It’s Valentine’s Day. I came across some writing about my relationship with Peter from many years ago… Seemed the appropriate day to share this story of true love. Enjoy…
In my previous writings I described what it had cost me to leave my marriage and my life and be in the position of finding Peter. I had lost all the support and agreement from my family and my entire community (except my mother) and had put my 4 year old through the painful experience of separation and divorce. I felt choicelessly compelled to do this and in doing so, lost my sense of security and identity. I risked everything for a kind of love that I wasn’t even sure existed.
A few months later, I was at an ashram and met Peter. We had been seeing each other for about two weeks when I began a ten day intensive where I had to stay in silence the whole time. At Rajneeshpuram you wore an ‘IN SILENCE’ button so that no one in the commune would speak to you. You weren’t supposed to connect with anyone through your eyes or through physical contact. The point was to stay inside yourself and your own experience and not be interfered with by others.
I generally try to do what I’m asked and surrender to whatever process I’m in as fully as possible but I wasn’t prepared for the intensity of the connection with Peter.
They had a large dining hall that fit over two thousand people. I was at the tea table making myself a cup of tea, when all of a sudden my hands started shaking and the tea was spilling all over the place. I looked up and Peter was on my right about two feet away. My body was literally being pulled by his – it was all I could do not to throw myself into his arms. We looked at each other briefly and started laughing – I looked at him helplessly, as if to say – please don’t come any closer – I won’t be able to get away from you.
Two days later the intensive finished, as I walked out of the group room, he was standing just outside in worn maroon jeans, deep wine colored ripped T-shirt , perfect muscles, mala and an incredibly seductive grin. He walked right up to me, didn’t say anything, picked me up and threw me over his shoulder and began walking. He crossed the road to the stream nearby and started walking through it (boots on). I had no idea what was going on, nor did I care, I was in his arms and there was nowhere else on earth I wanted to be.
There was a big tilted flat rock – hot with sunshine. He carefully laid me down on the rock and began to kiss me with both incredible care and utter abandon. Our chemistry encompassed everything – it was so full, exploding and extending in every direction – one kiss penetrated everything – our bodies – our souls energizing the air around us.
We eventually got up and walked down the dirt road to our lodging together and as we did – I started screaming inside – This is it. It’s real. This is what I fought for. I wanted to shout to the world that LOVE LIKE THIS IS REAL – Peter’s real – I’m real – OMG! It was worth it… it’s worth everything.
I started crying and he wanted to know what was going on – I said I LOVE YOU – I love you so much – I felt utterly vulnerable, beautiful, valiant and happy. He looked at me with the eyes of love – so utterly happy himself – so grateful – he picked me up again and started spinning me around in the middle of the road. We were kissing and laughing and falling down. I’m not sure how we ever made it back to his place.
In my young life I had already lived the richness of many experiences – kindness, caring friends, being a mother, a certain amount of success, being a leader and teacher and being given the privilege of making a difference in the lives of thousands of people through my work. This kind of love with Peter, with the divine portal open to us made everything else pale in comparison, somehow. It was so real, God was so close, and the beauty and love was infused in everything.